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“Flange,” Doesn’t Even Look Like a Word Anymore

June 15, 2011

We were tired. Exhausted. Snippy. Kind of hateful. For 3 days we had been crouched over this floor, and 2 of those days were spent just getting rid of pure nastiness and preparing a somewhat reasonable surface to cover up with tile. Not much had gone right, most had gone all sorts of wrong, and all we had left to do was One. More. Thing.

Installing the toilet should have been a piece of cake. After all, I had bought a new wax ring, and there was a nice new floor to set it on, and the book was just like, “sit on it,” and then it’s time for a shower, a beer, and making out (in no particular order). My dreams, they were simple.

As Jeff is the muscle-y half of our DIY duo, he was in charge of lifting the most awkward armful of toilet ever and I was in charge of trying to position it over the flange without getting my fingers crushed. After 3 false starts, he was really, really tired. I was really, really crabby. Finally, we got it on the ring, and then The Bad Thing happened. Part of the old, rusted out flange snapped off.

 

This is a flange.

We (I) were devastated. I squatted in a corner and rocked back and forth because this is my only toilet, I need it, I have been PEEING IN THE TUB FOR CHRISSAKES, and WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEE?

Let me just say now that Jeff is a for real super hero. While I was quickly turning feral in my little corner and emitting painful squeaks of despair, Jeff picked me up and put me in the car for a trip to Home Depot. I’ll let you picture how I looked, in stained grubbies with mysterious greasy smears on my arms and legs, dazedly wandering around at 9:30 on a Monday night. I tell myself that the Home Depot employees see this sort of thing all the time.

Anyway, we (it was Jeff, I was in a fugue state and petting carpet samples) found a few possible solutions, and one of them sort of worked. We set a “repair” flange on top of the broken flange, caulked it (to my neverending shame, I essentially glued something together after hating all the glueing done before me), put more caulk on top, and finally, FINALLY, we seated the toilet in some kind of way (it involved shims and desperate prayers) and it doesn’t seem to leek or teeter and time will tell if will topple over. For now, I can pee like a normal person. A normal person who is just very dainty when it comes to sitting on the pot.

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From → Bathroom

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